it's so hard when you're shallow as a shower

i've had that cute is what we aim for song stuck in my head allllll day...

so- my blog is depressing.. thought id throw out a happier updated blog for those of you who read this (no one).. my life is operating rather smoothly currently.. things seem to be working out for me finally.. i've decided that im 95% happy with me. my other 5% of happiness seems to have left the country.

I guess I've decided to make a few changes about me which is making life easier:
1. speak up when people hurt your feelings.. I seem to think people read my mind
2. yes it's nice to be a listener but sometimes I need someone to be there for me too.. stop being so scared to ask
3. stop passing judgment.
on that note.. i saw this really crazy play called the man with the flower in his mouth.. if u ever get the chance to check out the script i would because its really twisted but its a 20 min play about the simple beauties of life.
4. i cant really think of all the changes ive made... i guess just not being so hard on myself and making sure to smile a little more.

i got a BA roommate for next year. shes bomb. and i know this super awesome lady.. named mommy that has just made my life wonderful this past few weeks because even though we are both in shitty times we keep each other laughing which is fun. she taught me this acronym thing today at the dentist.. C U Next Tuesday.. (CUNT) baha. silly lady.. and then we ate mass amounts of food at black-eyed-pea bc its our favorite restaurant that got me addicted to broccoli cheese soups.

back when i lived in new hampshire i used to keep this journal that i would ALWAYS friggin write in and now its lost and it makes me so sad because i used to draw in it all the time and write poems about every single person i could remember meeting in my life.. i hope my parents didnt find it because that might explain why they havent talkd to me in like 5 weeks. love it.

i just feel like rambling in this about things that have been on my mind... i guess the idea of "love" has really been failing me lately. no suprise right? after seeing my mom go through 5 down trodden god awful marriages and my father in his robotical current marriage with a cheating wife and all kinds of awful things.. ive lost hope. in a way. i really just want to find perfect boy that doesnt deal with my ridiculous amounts of princess bullshit i give but still treats me really right.. if anyone can measure up to that. my mommy treats me ridiculously too well and i expect nothing less. but i dont want to be 45 like my mommy and living alone with my dog. because i worry about her and i want someone to take care of me when i get old. i promise my husband (if i marry) when my momma is old she will live with me. if only..

well its 3... and i kinda wana go to bed im feelin sick from this vicodin and no food...

nighty night. miss ya <3