it's so hard when you're shallow as a shower

i've had that cute is what we aim for song stuck in my head allllll day...

so- my blog is depressing.. thought id throw out a happier updated blog for those of you who read this (no one).. my life is operating rather smoothly currently.. things seem to be working out for me finally.. i've decided that im 95% happy with me. my other 5% of happiness seems to have left the country.

I guess I've decided to make a few changes about me which is making life easier:
1. speak up when people hurt your feelings.. I seem to think people read my mind
2. yes it's nice to be a listener but sometimes I need someone to be there for me too.. stop being so scared to ask
3. stop passing judgment.
on that note.. i saw this really crazy play called the man with the flower in his mouth.. if u ever get the chance to check out the script i would because its really twisted but its a 20 min play about the simple beauties of life.
4. i cant really think of all the changes ive made... i guess just not being so hard on myself and making sure to smile a little more.

i got a BA roommate for next year. shes bomb. and i know this super awesome lady.. named mommy that has just made my life wonderful this past few weeks because even though we are both in shitty times we keep each other laughing which is fun. she taught me this acronym thing today at the dentist.. C U Next Tuesday.. (CUNT) baha. silly lady.. and then we ate mass amounts of food at black-eyed-pea bc its our favorite restaurant that got me addicted to broccoli cheese soups.

back when i lived in new hampshire i used to keep this journal that i would ALWAYS friggin write in and now its lost and it makes me so sad because i used to draw in it all the time and write poems about every single person i could remember meeting in my life.. i hope my parents didnt find it because that might explain why they havent talkd to me in like 5 weeks. love it.

i just feel like rambling in this about things that have been on my mind... i guess the idea of "love" has really been failing me lately. no suprise right? after seeing my mom go through 5 down trodden god awful marriages and my father in his robotical current marriage with a cheating wife and all kinds of awful things.. ive lost hope. in a way. i really just want to find perfect boy that doesnt deal with my ridiculous amounts of princess bullshit i give but still treats me really right.. if anyone can measure up to that. my mommy treats me ridiculously too well and i expect nothing less. but i dont want to be 45 like my mommy and living alone with my dog. because i worry about her and i want someone to take care of me when i get old. i promise my husband (if i marry) when my momma is old she will live with me. if only..

well its 3... and i kinda wana go to bed im feelin sick from this vicodin and no food...

nighty night. miss ya <3

those that mind don't matter; those that matter don't mind

its bad when u have to get drunk to live with yourself. its time for some fucking change.. it always seems that New Hampshire trips come at opportune times where I get to go play myself in a different life that at times I think I hate bu the truth is.. I don't know who I like better. The Britani that is part of someone else or the Britani that is stupid, drunk, and lost. Which is easier to fix. Maybe this is all just comin from a bad night... nah, its been a bad 2 weeks. I look back and just want to fuckin cry.. I try to busy myself with school and laughing and other people but sometimes when it comes down to a sober night with the family i love the most.. it kills me to think that these people support me despite all the bad shit i do. they don't know but they are so proud of who they think I am. it KILLS me. so really, it's time to sever the ties. when someone that was just a much of a shell of a person as i was this time last year to look me in the eyes tonight and ask me, "when are you guna grow up?" I was offended. why? because, the truth hurts awfully bad. the fact that someone else knows me for the things i choose to ignore.. fuck.. im just determined to change.. so its done. no more texts, no more words, no more calls to anyone that wants anything from me. its a friendship based on learning, not taking or giving.. just growing together.

night..

ups and downs ?

today has been a fucking roller coaster


maybe if i just rewind to last July and start from the beginning..:
my senior year of high school i move from big materialistic lake travis
to po dunk tiny town kennett high school...within 1o days of the biggest
move of my life i fell in love.. it obviously didn't happen all at once but
over the past 1 year and 3 months of my life i had finally found someone
i felt was worthwhile.. the kind of person you are in disbelief they could
give you a second glance. it felt so nice to know that no matter what i
looked like that day he thought i was beautiful.. he had a piece of me so
tightly wrapped around his finger that i still to this day haven't gotten back.

anyways.. as a person i have always been very flirtatious and craved
attention and i haven't always been the best girlfriend.. something in him
changed that. maybe because he cut off every line of communication i could
have because he was insecure and couldn't handle it.
i wasn't even allowed to hang out with GIRLS.
everything that was important to me (sports, family, mom, sobriety) came second to that kid.
slowly but surely i lost my sense of self and blended in to the background.
this introverted self conscious person was not me. without attention i was lost..
i felt like i wasn't attractive because nobody would talk to me and most of the girls
at school hated me.. it was a very shitty senior year

well,

i move back to texas, away from my boyfriend.. nothing was decided we were just
going to see how it went.. once i got back home to my friends and family i felt soo
ostracized.. i looked to boys to throw their attention at my feet.
often i'd let their feelings get caught
up in it then just stop talking to them.. i turned into such a diva bitch i disgusted
myself.. i couldn't even decipher between treating meaningful people in my life
like absolute shit.. my mother, my absolute best friend told me this weekend that
i obsess over the imperfections i think i have.. which is very true. the first thing
that i do when i wake up in the morning is run to the mirror pull up my shirt and
look at how thin i am.. no matter how skinny i get ill never be happy. i'll eat one meal
a day hoping eventually it will take it's toll.. i'll work out over and over again to please
myself and if i dont i beat myself up over it the whole next day

at the same time.. i've been looking at colleges in massachussetts to transfer back
home and be closer with my boyfriend.. the boy that has thrown me through walls,
strangled me, ran over me with his car, and verbally ruined me inside and out.
does love truly conquer all?

well i was very troubled with myself and my relationships with people new and old..
so i sought help through counseling services at my school.. i have had horrible
experiences with counseling as a child and have always feared that situation but as
i sat in a complete strangers office i just broke down, i told him every thing that has
ever happened to me and asked for help..
as i was explaining to my counselor how i was afraid if i didn't move back to MA to
be with the bf that i would lose that relationship and never be able to find someone
that loved me or knew me as much as he did.. and to this he simply summarized the
one thing i have been trying to say for months:
"The devil you know is better than the devil you don't."

seems silly to me that im scared to leave an abusive ass hole that has made me so
incredibly fucked up emotionally, that has left me hating myself everyday, that has
cheated on me multiple times... don't i deserve better than this ?

i just find myself saying that a lot.. but i won't lower my standards.. i will start fixing
me and worrying less about other people because it has gotten me nowhere.. i am
in a place right now that will potentially lead to happiness.. and for now i'm okay
with finding that happiness within myself..

BUT: today's roller coaster..
well really the night before last i got in a huge fight with the now xbf
because he texted me while i was at the basketball game with 7th grade
mentee that i met through community service and he is saying ohh your boyfriend
must be riding the bench thats why you're being such a bitch blah blah and just
wont fuck off.. id really had it with him yet he expected me to call him or text him
a sweet nothing telling him to have a fantastic day.. im not your fucking mother kid.
anyways:
soo i slept for like 3 hours last night
and i had a rather large project do in my second class.. i was beat and grouchy
but i made it and things went great! then i was really happy when i got my
cookies for college from my church and letters from my friends and family.. i
even sat in the lounge and listened to the choir sing christmas carols.. ha ?
well i got back to my room to find the fucker was online IMing me and i told him i
didnt want to talk to him today or tomorrow i needed a break from him.. well he was
astounded that i would "break up" with him.. news flash.. we aren't together.. so i just
ignore him all day.. then i finally get done with classes around 930 and i get online to
talk to my girlfriend and she tells me that he has been cheating on me anyways so we have
our normal fuck boys we have each other talk.. and sure enough my phone rings and its
that fuck. so we scream and yell and basically it's over.. im done with him. i'm fine if i never have to look or think about him again.. ugh. finally.

BUT GOOD NEWS !! my baby is applying here and im sooo happy to think that she will
be here with meeee :] so that is definitely a fantasticcc thing

it seems like i'm leaving a lot out so i'll post more later..

p.s. i can't wait to see you next week. i don't quite know what to think
of you.. i just know that you make me smileee :]